The consequences of leaving a Narcissist- CS Lewis Sermons

The consequences of leaving a narcissist CS Lewis Sermons

Children of the Almighty God, life often feels like a winding path. Along the way, we encounter people who seem to be both a blessing and a burden. Have you ever noticed how some relationships start with dazzling light only to fade into confusion, chaos, and pain? These are the relationships that promised stability but deliver storms. They seem to offer love, but in reality, entangle you in a web of control and brokenness. Just like a ship lured by a false lighthouse, you may find yourself drawn in only to crash against unseen rocks.

Today we explore the consequences of leaving a narcissist. A journey fraught with highs and lows, promises and betrayals, and the emotional aftermath that can leave your spirit weary.

Why is it so difficult to break free? Why do the cycles of idealization, rejection, and return seem endless? Understanding this struggle helps us see beyond the confusion and step into the freedom God intended for us. For in His wisdom, we are reminded that God is not a God of disorder but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33. True peace comes not from returning to chaos, but from trusting God’s steadfast love.

Let us reflect together, with open hearts, on these patterns of control, fear, and healing. May we seek clarity and strength to recognize when we are caught in cycles that harm our souls. If you feel the weight of such a relationship, know that there is hope beyond the pain. God's love is a refuge, a safe harbor that remains constant when all else falters.

Join me in this exploration, and together, let’s reclaim the peace and dignity we are called to live in.

Have you ever noticed the strange cycle that leaves you drained, confused, and questioning your worth? Imagine being lifted to dizzying heights where everything feels idealized and perfect, only to be suddenly dropped into a pit of devaluation, where your worth is chipped away with scorn and indifference.

This painful dynamic is no accident, and its design is far more intricate than it appears.

CS Lewis once noted that the devil is perfectly content to see you believing lies as long as those lies keep you chained. In abusive relationships, particularly with narcissists, these chains often take the form of idealization, devaluation, discarding, and the desperate attempts to lure you back—a pattern known as hoovering.

The initial phase, idealization, is where you are placed on a pedestal. The narcissist paints a vision of perfection, lavishing you with praise and validation, but it’s not you they see.

It’s a reflection of their own need for control.

Soon the pedestal begins to wobble, and the compliments turn into criticism. This is the cruel descent into devaluation. You may feel your sense of self slipping away, replaced by shame and insecurity. Have you felt this gradual erosion of your identity, wondering how someone who once adored you can now treat you with disdain and contempt?

When your usefulness in feeding their ego diminishes, the narcissist enters the stage of discarding. This abandonment feels sudden and cold. You may be left to grapple with trauma, confusion, and a profound sense of emptiness. Perhaps you’ve seen them mocking you with disregard and wondered if their love was ever real?

Yet, even this isn’t the end.

Like a puppeteer yanking the strings, the narcissist may return to hoover you back, promising change, wielding charm or guilt to regain control and power. This cycle is not merely a relationship flaw; it is a reflection of a broken spirit, a heart enslaved to pride and fear. Proverbs 26:11 warns, as a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward liberation.

But what happens when you decide to break free? When you reject the cycle and choose peace over chaos, the consequences of leaving are profound, and the reactions you face will reveal even deeper truths about their struggle for control, validation, and power.

When a narcissist is left behind, it is as though a mirror has been shattered. The reflection they depended on for their self-importance lies at their feet. The loss of control over you is unbearable, and their reactions are as unpredictable as a storm at sea.

The initial response often takes the form of rage, an explosive burning anger fueled by the loss of validation. This rage isn’t simply frustration; it’s a wounded pride desperately seeking to reestablish its dominance. Have you ever felt like you were standing too close to a wildfire, the heat of their fury singeing your very soul?

Yet rage is not their only weapon; sometimes they wield mockery like a blade, slicing at your dignity with sarcasm, with scorn in their eyes. Making you feel small is a way to reclaim lost power.

This ridicule often comes suddenly when you least expect it, like a shadow lurking in the corner. You may hear their voice echoing in your mind, questioning your worth, your decisions, your very identity. Mockery seeks to plant seeds of doubt, aiming to pull you back into the toxic cycle. You recognize this dance of words is meant to humiliate and control, but there is a colder reaction: indifference.

This is the icy silence of someone who wants you to believe you never mattered. Indifference is a mask, a brittle shield, concealing deep insecurity and fear. The narcissist may act as though your departure has left no impact, as if you were merely a fleeting shadow. This coldness is meant to punish you, to make you second-guess your decision to leave, yet this seeming apathy is their defense against vulnerability. Have you felt this chilling wall, this denial of your worth, and wondered if they ever cared at all? Behind these reactions lies a desperate attempt to maintain control.

When the strings of manipulation snap, they panic, for their power has been threatened. Control is the air they breathe. Without it, they suffocate. To a narcissist, losing control means facing the terrifying void within themselves. This need for dominance is a false throne, built upon insecurity and fear, yet their attempts to reassert control often lead to more chaotic cycles of conflict.

Can you see how their grasp tightens when they sense freedom slipping away? Their need for validation fuels these reactions. Without someone to affirm their inflated self-image, they are like a star collapsing into a black hole. Validation is their lifeline, their compass in their world. They cannot navigate on their own. Your departure shatters this illusion, leaving them adrift. Their anger and mockery are not reflections of your worth, but of their own fragility. Have you realized that their accusations say more about their insecurity than about your value? In the heart of this turmoil lies a hunger for power. The narcissist’s identity is built on dominance, on the belief that others must orbit around them. When you step away, you disrupt this universe. Their rage and indifference attempt to pull you back into that orbit.

Yet true power is not found in controlling others. It is found in mastering one’s self. Jesus reminded us in John 8:32: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Their power over you only exists if you allow it. Do you see how their grip loosens when you embrace this liberating truth?

These reactions also expose their insecurity. Beneath the facade of strength lies the trembling fear of abandonment. They dread the emptiness that separation brings, for it reminds them of their deep inner void, like a child lost in the dark.

Their anger and mockery are cries for reassurance. They have no amount of control for this emptiness. Have you ever sensed that their rage is more about their fear of losing themselves than about losing you? This fear ties back to their trauma of attachment; early wounds, left them unable to trust, to love without conditions or face vulnerability.

Their reactions to abandonment are not just about you. They are echoes of long-buried fears. They replay old scripts of rejection and betrayal, scripts they refuse to rewrite.

Their rage and coldness are defenses against facing these wounds.

Could it be that their greatest battle is not with you but within themselves? Though these reactions are painful, they hold a mirror to a deeper truth. Your freedom is threatening to those who fear facing their own chains.

By leaving, you disrupt the cycle, shatter their illusions, and claim your right to peace. In doing so, you expose the emptiness of their power and the fragility of their control.

What happens when attachment itself is twisted, when the fear of separation becomes a battlefield in the tangled web of human relationships?

Attachment is like a fragile thread, connecting our hearts and minds to one another. But for the narcissist, this thread is frayed, weakened by early wounds and patterns of mistrust. Their attachment style is often disorganized or avoidant, shaped by a survival instinct that prizes control over connection.

True intimacy becomes a threat rather than a comfort. They pull others close to push them away, unable to embrace the vulnerability of a genuine relationship. Relationships with this struggle form the foundation of the chaos that follows a disorganized attachment style and are marked by a chaotic need for closeness, mixed with a deep fear of it.

The heart longs for connection while the mind screams for self-protection. This creates emotional whiplash. Moments of affection turn to rejection, and warmth freezes into cold detachment.

The instability leaves those around them confused and weary, never knowing which version of the narcissist will appear. They are caught between desire and dread.

Unable to choose either fully.

An avoidant attachment style builds walls of self-reliance so high that intimacy cannot pass through. The narcissist maintains a fortress of independence, interpreting emotional closeness as weakness. Any display of affection threatens the fragile structure of their self-image. They reject genuine connection to avoid being hurt, masking their fear with aloofness or indifference. Beneath this exterior lies a heart terrified of being exposed, choosing solitude over the risk of rejection.

These attachment wounds are rooted in a fear of abandonment. The possibility of being left alone stirs a primal terror that sends shockwaves through their behavior. To avoid facing this fear, they attempt to control or discard others first.

Dominating the narrative allows them to maintain the illusion of strength. However, this control is brittle and desperate.

A false security built on shifting sand does not satisfy, and the fear remains, gnawing beneath the surface. This deep insecurity is a relentless need for validation. Because their sense of self is so fragile, they look to others to affirm their worth.

The attention, admiration, and attention of others serve as a scaffold propping up their unstable identity.

When validation is withheld, their emotional structure collapses. They lash out or withdraw, trying to protect themselves from the emptiness left behind. The cycle of idealization and rejection flows naturally from this unstable foundation, and the ground is never steady. When trust is cracked, conflict seeps in. Emotional outbursts, silent treatments, and manipulative behaviors emerge as desperate attempts to secure control. The ground is never steady. Everything feels provisional and uncertain. This instability exhausts everyone involved, leaving no room for peace. Attachment wounds breed instability in relationships.

A foundation that should support growth and love becomes a battlefield of power and fear. At the core of this instability lies a fear of vulnerability. To open one’s heart, to trust fully, is an unbearable risk. Vulnerability exposes the very weaknesses they fight to hide, so they cover themselves with masks of indifference, dominance, or perfectionism. These masks are not armor but prison bars, locking them away from true connection by avoiding vulnerability.

They also avoid the possibility of healing or growth.

This fear of vulnerability feeds into constant reactivity. Small conflicts ignite disproportionate responses, or criticism activates old wounds, unleashing anger, withdrawal, or disdain. Emotional reactions spiral, leaving partners bewildered and hurt. This reactivity maintains the cycle of chaos and conflict as the past continues to invade the present.

Emotional peace remains elusive, held hostage by old, unhealed pain.

These attachment issues are the unseen roots of the chaotic cycle in narcissistic relationships. They trap the narcissist in a prison of mistrust and isolation, while their partners are left caught in the storm.

The fear of separation, with its suffocating grip, sets the stage for patterns of leaving and returning, where each departure becomes another battle in a relentless war for control. The pattern of departure and return in a narcissistic relationship is like the ebb and flow of a relentless tide. Each separation triggers deep fears, while each return brings fleeting relief before the cycle begins again, and the narcissist’s fear of abandonment compels them to push you away to regain control, only to pull you back when the absence becomes unbearable.

This cycle becomes a dance of chaos where each step reinforces emotional instability. Separation is not just physical; it is a tearing of the spirit, a wound that never quite heals because it is never truly addressed. In this dynamic, each departure, whether a minor argument or a major breakup, reopens old wounds of insecurity.

The narcissist experiences separation as a threat to their self-image.

A reminder of their inability to maintain a true connection. Instead of facing this fear, they react with anger, manipulation, or indifference.

But these reactions are a mask for the deeper pain of feeling unworthy and unloved. It is a cycle of defense, where the real battle is not with you, but with their own fractured sense of self.

The return is often marked by promises of change or moments of tenderness that seem genuine, but this return is seldom about love.

It is about re-establishing control and avoiding the pain of abandonment. Like a puppet reclaiming its strings, the narcissist pulls you back to maintain the illusion of power.

The brief moments of reconciliation provide just enough hope to keep you entangled. This creates a false sense of security, where peace is temporary and conflict always looms on the horizon.

This cycle wears down your spirit, leaving you emotionally exhausted. The constant shifts between abandonment and reconciliation chip away at your sense of stability.

You may find yourself questioning reality, doubting your perceptions, and feeling trapped in a loop you cannot escape. The instability of this pattern can erode your confidence, making you feel as though you are walking on a tightrope that sways with every move.

James 1:8 warns that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. The narcissist’s inability to commit fully to connection or separation creates this instability. The divided heart, torn between the desire for control and the fear of vulnerability, leads to relationships marked by confusion and chaos.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward reclaiming your peace and clarity. Stability comes not from their promises, but from your own choice to step out of the cycle. Emotionally, this pattern can leave deep scars. The repeated experience of rejection and return can create a trauma bond, where the pain of separation feels more unbearable than the dysfunction of staying.

You may cling to the hope that the next return will be different. The change is just around the corner, yet without true transformation and self-awareness, the cycle remains. Freedom lies in understanding that you are not responsible for fixing what is broken in them. The relentless pattern of departure and return reflects a deeper spiritual struggle.

The narcissist’s fear of abandonment is a symptom of a soul disconnected from genuine love and grace. Without healing, they remain trapped in a cycle of fear and control, but for you, there is hope.

Psalm 147:3 declares He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. In God’s presence, there is stability, healing, and the strength to break free from the cycle. This pattern often mirrors the narcissist’s internal battle; a constant war between the fear of rejection and the need for control. Their inability to resolve this tension leads to repeated cycles of chaos. Recognizing this can help you see the cycle for what it truly is: a reflection of their wounds, not your worth.

Your healing begins when you refuse to be caught in the storm, anchoring yourself in God’s unwavering love. This dance of separation and return is exhausting, but it is not the end of the story. As you begin to recognize these patterns, you can reclaim your peace and discernment. True freedom comes when you step out of the cycle and realize that life does not have to be an endless loop of instability. The desire for reconciliation may remain, but sometimes the greatest act of love is to let go and embrace the stillness that God provides.

What happens when this endless cycle feeds the need for control, pulling you back with false promises and charm? The roots of narcissistic behavior run deep, like twisted vines in the dark soil of early experiences. At first glance, the outward signs—the need for control, the cycles of abandonment and return—seem random or chaotic. Yet beneath the surface, these behaviors form a fractured foundation laid during formative years. Imagine a sapling bent by relentless winds; as it grows, it retains the curve, unable to straighten on its own. In much the same way, the narcissist’s heart was bent by attachment trauma, shaping in the soil of early childhood, seeds of fear and rejection were planted. A lack of consistent love, warmth, or safety left a void where trust should’ve taken root. This absence of secure attachment becomes a shadow that follows them into adulthood, distorting their capacity for intimacy like a tree whose roots struggle to find water. They grow thirsty for validation, desperate for anything that might fill the void left by early neglect or unpredictability. This thirst drives them; without healthy models of love and security, their emotional development is stunted. Instead of learning to regulate feelings, they learn to suppress, manipulate, or project them onto others. Reactions to perceived abandonment—rage, indifference, mockery—are the armor they forge to survive early wounds. Picture a fortress built not of stone, but of fear and pride. The walls are high, but inside there is fear, insecurity, and the echo of unmet needs. This fortress protects, but it also imprisons. In this emotional prison, the narcissist’s identity becomes fragile and brittle. Unable to draw strength from within, they depend on others to reflect back a sense of worth. This dependency is like a cracked mirror, offering only distorted, temporary glimpses of who they wish to be.

When the mirror of validation breaks, their sense of self shatters with it. Their need for control and admiration is an attempt to repair this broken reflection, to hold together a self-image that constantly threatens to fall apart.

James 3:16 captures this struggle, for where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. They envy what they lack: unconditional love and secure attachment, which fuels desperate ambition to avoid feeling powerless. Again, in their behavior, however harmful, lies an attempt to bring an end to that chaos. In their pursuit of control, they create disorder in their relationships, spreading the same instability they fear within themselves.

This pattern of psychological reactivity is not a sign of strength, but of deep insecurity. Their fear of being abandoned or exposed keeps them in a state of vigilance, like a watchman on a crumbling tower. They scan for threats, real or imagined, ready to defend their fragile sense of control. The smallest slight can become a battlefield, the faintest rejection a full-blown war. Their defenses, though fierce, are rooted in the fear of revisiting old wounds. These psychological roots explain the emotional roller coaster they create. Each outburst, each moment of coldness or contempt, stems from a heart that has never known true security.

They are trapped in cycles of reaction, unable to find the peace that comes from genuine healing. Their trauma remains unresolved, like a splinter very deep, festering beneath the surface. Without intervention, this pain seeps into every relationship, every interaction; they poison the very connections they seek to preserve.

But there is a path to healing, a narrow road that requires facing the shadows of early trauma—a process that is painful and humbling. Therapy, self-awareness, and the grace of God can help untangle these twisted roots.

Isaiah 41:10 offers a lifeline: Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. Healing begins when the narcissist stops running from their wounds and allows the light to penetrate the darkness.

For those caught in the storm, understanding these roots can bring clarity and compassion. Recognizing that their behavior is the fruit of deep-seated wounds does not excuse the harm, but it explains the chaos.

Sometimes the only way to break free is to step away from the storm, choosing peace over turmoil.

Yet even when you step away, the cycle of hoovering, the desperate attempt to pull you back, often begins again, like a net cast to reclaim what was lost.

Like a fisherman casting his net into the sea, the narcissist engages in hoovering to pull you back into their orbit after a period of separation. The name is fitting. It’s as if a vacuum is turned on, designed to suck you back into the cycle of chaos when they sense you slipping away. Their fear of losing control ignites a desperate attempt to regain power. The gestures seem sincere: apologies, gifts, promises of change, but beneath the surface lies a strategic effort to mend the fractured image they have of themselves, not the relationship.

This tactic often follows a predictable pattern after abandonment or discard. They realize the loss of your attention, validation, and presence.

The world, which they believed was firmly in their grasp, suddenly feels shaky. To restore their sense of control, they reach out, weaving a web of charm, guilt, or nostalgia.

The words sound comforting, like a gentle breeze promising calm waters ahead, yet the storm still looks ready to rage once you’re safely back under their control.

The methods of hoovering are varied and calculated. They might play on your compassion, presenting themselves as changed or broken like a wounded bird; they appeal to your desire to nurture, to heal. Other times, they use guilt, reminding you of shared memories or obligations. How can you leave after everything we’ve been through?

The weight of these words presses down like invisible chains tightening around your heart. It becomes hard to distinguish genuine remorse from manipulation.

There are moments when fear becomes the tool of choice. Subtle threats, veiled warnings, or allusions to their own suffering can coerce you back. You may feel trapped, as if leaving would unleash consequences beyond your control. This form of hoovering feeds on your vulnerability, exploiting your desire for peace or stability. The narcissist senses these weaknesses and pulls the strings accordingly, each tug designed to remind you of their influence. Like the serpent in the Garden of Eden whispering half-truths, the narcissist's promises during hoovering are designed to distort reality; they offer glimpses of a better future, painting illusions of change.

The promises appear glittering but are hollow. Proverbs 26:23 says smooth words may hide a wicked heart just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot. It may shine, but underneath lies the same cracked foundation. The promises rarely lead to true transformation. The emotional confusion Hoovering creates can feel like wandering in a dense fog. Memories of better times collide with the reality of past pain. Doubt clouds your judgment, making it difficult to move forward. This fog serves the narcissist well. The longer you hesitate, the easier it is for them to reestablish control. Each act of Hoovering is a lure designed to keep you within reach to ensure that their power remains intact.

Recognizing Hoovering for what it is—a tactic to regain control—is the key to breaking free. It requires clarity and the strength to trust your own experience over their words. You are not responsible for their pain, nor are you obligated to return to a cycle that drains your spirit. God calls us to a life of freedom and peace. Galatians 5:1 reminds us it is for freedom that Christ has set us free; stand firm, and do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Your worth is not defined by their need for control. You are not a pawn in their game but a soul created for love, peace, and dignity. Stepping away from Hoovering is not cruelty; it is wisdom, it is choosing to honor the life God has given you. Even when the pull is strong, remember that true love does not manipulate or ensnare. True love sets free. But the emotional turbulence of Hoovering is not the end.

Once you resist their attempts to draw you back, you may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, where each twist and turn tests your resolve and resilience. A relationship with a narcissist is like being strapped to a roller coaster that you never agreed to ride, with dizzying highs filled with fleeting moments of idealization and affection that make you believe everything will be OK.

The lows, sudden drops into rejection, criticism, and indifference that leave you breathless and disoriented. This constant oscillation between hope and despair creates a storm within your soul, eroding your sense of stability and worth. What once felt like a journey toward love begins to feel like a trap with no exit. The emotional ups and downs are not random; they serve a purpose for the narcissist. By keeping you off balance, they maintain control. Like a puppet master who pulls strings to make the marionette dance, the narcissist uses unpredictability to weaken your resolve.

You cling to the highs because they give you a glimmer of hope, a reminder of how things could be. The lows are endured because you believe the highs will return. This cycle of hope and despair keeps you tethered, unable to step away completely.

The idealization phase is like the first climb of the roller coaster, filled with excitement and anticipation. You are showered with praise, affection, and promises of a beautiful future. Everything seems perfect, as if you finally found the love you’ve been seeking, but this is merely the setup for the fall.

The pedestal on which you’ve been placed is not secure. It’s a plank ready to be pulled out from beneath you when the evaluation phase arrives. It’s like a sudden plunge into darkness; criticism replaces compliments, and affection turns cold. You are left wondering what went wrong, questioning your worth and replaying every interaction in your mind. The narcissist’s words sting like icy wind, cutting into your self-esteem. You try harder, hoping to regain the warmth of the idealization phase, unaware that the rules of the game are designed for you to lose. In this emotional chaos, your mind and spirit become exhausted.

The instability creates a sense of powerlessness; it's as though you were caught in a riptide, pulled out to sea. No matter how hard you try to swim back to shore, the uncertainty chips away at your confidence, leaving you vulnerable to further manipulation. You begin to doubt your perceptions, your choices, and even your sanity. This self-doubt serves the narcissist’s need for control, keeping you dependent and compliant.

Ps 55:22 offers a lifeline in this turmoil: cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. When the ground beneath your feet feels unsteady, God’s presence remains a solid foundation. He does not waver even when everything around you does. Turning to Him in these moments of confusion brings clarity and strength, reminding you that you are not alone in the storm. The emotional roller coaster also breeds fear and anxiety. You begin to anticipate the next drop, the next moment of coldness or rage. This hyper-vigilance becomes a way of life, draining your energy. Instead of living in the present, you’re constantly bracing for impact. This state of fear traps you in survival mode, preventing you from experiencing peace or contentment.

The ride continues, and your spirit grows weary. But there is a way off this roller coaster. It requires the courage to step back and see the ride for what it truly is: a cycle that cannot be fixed by your efforts alone.

God offers a path of peace that is not dependent on another person’s behavior. In John 14:27, Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." His peace is steady, unshaken by the chaos of others. Breaking free from the emotional roller coaster means reclaiming your right to stability and calm. It means choosing to anchor yourself in God’s love rather than the unpredictable highs and lows of a toxic relationship.

Though the journey may be difficult, each step toward freedom brings you closer to the peace you were created to experience, and once you step off this ride, the path ahead, though unfamiliar, holds the promise of healing and restoration.

In the turmoil of these broken relationships, it is easy to lose sight of who you are and what God desires for your life. The emotional storms, the cycles of control, and the endless confusion can leave you feeling like a ship battered by relentless waves, but remember this: you are not alone. God’s love and wisdom are constant even when everything else is unstable. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9 When you step away from chaos, you step toward His peace. Choosing to leave behind the patterns of manipulation and control is not weakness. It is strength, rooted in faith. It is a declaration that you were created for more than turmoil. God calls you to a life of dignity, clarity, and love. When you trust Him to guide you through the storm, you open your heart to healing and freedom. The emotional roller coaster may have shaken you, but God offers a steady path forward, one step at a time.