Table For Nine

By Victoria Matranga

One of my favorite memories is when my mom took us all out to eat. I remember us walking in; the smell of the food was mouthwatering.

Then she ordered a table, but she ordered one for nine. She said, "A table for nine, please." There were only eight of us; why did she order an extra seat? I remember looking at her, thinking, “Oh man, I broke her.” She has lost it. We took our seats, and she sat there smiling at us, not showing that anything was off.

I remember my heart racing when she spoke to us. She said, “Kids, I’d like to introduce you to your father.”

My eyes shot to the door. My father had his rights terminated due to the horrific abuse. Why would she invite him here? After a couple of seconds, she smiled at us again and said, “He’s here.” I looked at the chair, but it was still empty. Fear shot through me as my eyes darted around the restaurant, trying to find someone I could signal, because clearly this woman had lost her ever-loving mind.

All my fault, of course. I take full responsibility for breaking her. Then she spoke again, “I’d like to introduce you to your Heavenly Father, Jesus.”

I froze for a second as I stared at the chair.

I was no longer interested in the chip basket that was in front of me as I tried to beat my brother's hand to it. She proceeded to tell us how much our Heavenly father loved us and cared about us.

I remember feeling torn about Jesus. I didn’t understand why, if He loved me so much, He did not come to my aid sooner. Why did I have to suffer so greatly?

I wanted to be angry with God again for not helping me sooner. I wanted to say a few sharp words and demand answers. After all, from what I was piecing together, He was the creator of the universe; He had all the power. He could have done something quicker. My mind was in deep turmoil. I really didn’t know much about Him, but what I did know was I heard He cared for His children. Was I not one of His children?

Did what happened to me disqualify me from being His?

Did He not want me because I was broken and scarred?

I can recall fighting the tears back because I didn’t want to cry in public. But as she kept telling us who God was, I remember her looking at me with that same genuine smile that held understanding and saying, “God will never leave or forsake you no matter what you do.”

I was slightly shocked.

He won’t leave me?

She had told us God knows our past, present, and future; He knows what we think and say before we do it. I froze in that moment. He knows? He knows that I want to hurt my dad? He knows that I want to make him suffer as he did me? He knows how much hate and pain I carry? Why would He want to stay with me? I was a hurt little girl who wanted to hurt people. Surely God would forsake me for having such horrible thoughts. Surely that would stop Him from loving me?

She said, "He loved me and wanted to be with me." I still hesitated; I thought he only loved those with pure, clean hearts. That wasn’t me. I wasn’t pure or clean. I was broken, broken by the man who was supposed to protect me and love me. My body was evidence of his crimes. I sat in utter silence for what seemed like ages.

I wasn’t beautiful, not like others. I was tainted, not like others.

Would God really still want me this way?

Would He still love me like He loves His other children? But if this woman can serve Him with such fervency and loyalty, maybe I could too; maybe I can trust this Jesus like she does.

A table for nine where a seat was saved for Jesus is one of my favorite childhood memories, not because I got to stuff my face with free chips and salsa, but because God gave me something that day that I thought I had lost. I didn’t think I was pure because of what my father did to me. I thought I was ruined. But that day in that restaurant, in that chair, in that moment, God returned not only peace and joy, but He returned my innocence that I thought I had lost because of my father’s actions. And on that day is when I actually met my Father and decided I wanted to be His child forever.

To read how adoption has changed my life, CLICK HERE.