How to deal with a Narcissist

How to deal with a narcissist - CS Lewis Sermons

Calling out a narcissist can feel irresistible, but it can draw you deeper into a web of frustration and a refusal to accept responsibility.

Ex 14:14 The Lord will fight for you.

It’s not passivity, but a powerful act of faith.

Confronting a narcissist often leads to unexpected, toxic outcomes that drain your soul rather than restore it.

They might unleash defensive attacks, distort your intentions or gaslight you into doubting your reality.

In the Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis says that the enemy often turns good intentions into traps.

Engaging with them directly, expecting change or confrontation, often leads to more harm than good. The demonic traps of emotional manipulation thrive in such interactions, and you find yourself tangled in a web of frustration, guilt, and misplaced hopes.

Proverbs 26:14 Do not answer a fool, according to his folly, or you will become just like him. Instead of resolving anything you end up more drained, your spirit, battered by their relentless refusal to accept responsibility. By refusing to answer a narcissist and their cycle of distortion and defense, you reclaim your peace and deny them power over your spirit.

You are not walking away from justice you are walking towards divine intervention, trusting God to handle what you cannot. This subtle, but crucial shift, opens the door to healthier choices and stronger boundaries. In this choice lies the freedom you’ve been longing for.

Have you ever noticed the more you seek understanding, the more the narcissist distorts the very reality you’re trying to clarify? They consistently shift blame, twist facts, and refuse to take responsibility, making a healthy relationship feel like an impossibility. You begin to feel like your sense of self is being slowly eroded. This is not an accident. It’s a calculated strategy to keep you disoriented and vulnerable . When they refuse to accept responsibility, they force you into a cycle of self doubt. You might wonder if you are the one who is too sensitive or demanding or even controlling. But deep inside, your spirit whispers the truth.

This isn’t genuine misunderstanding, it’s manipulation designed to keep the power in their hands. Such relentless behavior is a form of emotional entrapment, that saps your strength and clouds your discernment.

Evil is often banal and repetitive.

In the Screwtape Letters, the senior demon instructs his protégé to use small, but persistent distortions to weaken the believer which can spiritually and emotionally exhaust the believer. Narcissists employ a similar approach: a steady erosion of truth, and trust, a refusal to face their own flaws, leaving you to carry burdens that were never yours to bear.

Is 5:20 Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness.

A narcissist’s refusal to accept their own responsibility flips reality on its head, making peace and restoration impossible.

You may long for reconciliation, but with someone who is committed to distorting the truth, such reconciliation remains a mirage.

In these interactions, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for fixing someone who refuses to see their own brokenness. God does not call you to bear that impossible burden. He calls you to discernment and the quiet strength of knowing when to step back.

What happens when you confront these distortions only to be met with manipulative defenses?

It’s like a man who plants a tree on rocky ground. At first glance, the tree looks good. Its leaves turn green, but the roots have no place to grow and when the first winds come it doesn’t bend, it breaks. Confronting a narcissist is much the same. You offer truth, hoping it will take root, but the rocky soil of their heart rejects it. Instead of growth, they respond with resistance. Twisting your words, deflecting blame, and turning the spotlight on your supposed faults.

Their defensiveness is like a shield polished to blind you rather than protect them. When you try to address an issue, they might accuse you of being over-controlling or say you are the source of their stress. Your genuine desire for resolution becomes a weapon in their hands, used to make you feel guilty, unreasonable, or even abusive.

This is not the dialogue of two people seeking truth. It is a performance designed to protect their fragile sense of superiority. CS Lewis often spoke of the dangers of pride, that great sin which twists everything noble into something self-serving.

In the Great Divorce, a character clings so tightly to his self justifications he cannot enter heavens light. Similarly, the narcissist’s manipulative responses serve to protect their ego, even at the cost of truth, intimacy and spiritual growth. They would rather distort reality than admit fault. Because to them vulnerability feels like annihilation.

Pr 21:2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.

The narcissist’s defensiveness isn’t just about avoiding blame, it’s a desperate attempt to uphold an illusion. And the more you engage, the more you find yourself drawn into their cycle of distortion and frustration.

What can one do when each honest attempt at resolution is turned against them? There is wisdom in realizing that some ground is too hardened for fruitful discussion, and when the soil of their heart remains stubbornly unyielding, we must consider whether we are truly called to labor there.

Perhaps the cycle you face is not meant to be broken by confrontation, but by stepping away and seeking solid ground.

A builder set out to build a house on shifting sands. Every day he adjusted the walls, and added more beams for support, but no matter how he reinforced it, the walls leaned, the floors buckled, and the roof sagged. The more he worked, the more exhausted he became until he realized his labor was in vain. The foundation itself was the problem. Trying to build a relationship with a narcissist is like this. Beneath the foundation is always shifting and the harder you try to repair the damage, the more you lose yourself in the process. Each effort to address issues leads to frustration.

Narcissists refuse to acknowledge mistakes, and when apologies come, they are hollow, mere words without substance or change. They cling to their distorted narratives because, for them, admitting fault is a threat to the fragile façade they’ve built.

This cycle of denial and manipulation becomes a trap, one where your energy is spent trying to fix what was never meant to stand.

CS Lewis understood the futility of trying to reason with those who cling to their self-made delusions. I’m the Screwtape Letters, the elder demon advises keeping humans busy with fruitless efforts, knowing that exhaustion weakens the spirit. The enemy delights into watching us pour our hearts into hopeless tasks, for it distracts us from the true work of the soul: growing in faith, discernment and peace.

Mt 7:6 do not give to dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before swine lest they trample them under foot and turn to attack you. When your attempts to bring truth and resolution are repeatedly rejected, it is a sign that the soil is not ready. That the effort is being wasted. Instead of building up the relationship, you are left defending yourself against attacks that leave you drained and disoriented.

There is wisdom in knowing when to step back. The cycle will not break through confrontation or effort alone. Sometimes the only way to find peace is to stop trying to construct on unstable ground. When the sands beneath refuse to hold firm, it may be time to seek the solid foundation that only God provides.

A traveler sought to cross a desert where the sands were constantly moving. Each step felt uncertain for the ground beneath him would not hold. He could never plant his foot firmly. And though the horizon promised safety, the instability beneath made progress impossible. A relationship with a narcissist is much like this journey; unpredictable, unstable and exhausting. Their behavior changes with their immediate needs, making any sense of security fleeting. In such relationships, promises are made, but rarely kept. Apologies are given, but they are performances rather than acts of repentance. When their needs shift, so does their behavior, leaving you perpetually off balance. You may try to build trust, to create a bond, rooted in understanding, but their ever changing nature prevents anything solid from taking form. You are left wondering if you are walking towards stability or merely circling back to the same shifting patterns of confusion.

In Mere Christianity, CS Lewis reminds us that anything built on a lie will eventually collapse. The narcissist’s reality is one of self-preservation, where truth bends to serve their ego. If they sense, their control slipping, they will reshape the narrative to restore their sense of superiority. This constant shifting Keeps you in a constant state of anxiety, questioning what is real and what is fabrication.

Mt 7:26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.

Building a relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge truth is like constructing on shifting sand. The foundation will never hold. The walls of hope you raise will eventually crumble under the weight of their inconsistency. But God calls us to solid ground. Relationships, rooted in truth, humility, and love. He offers a foundation that doesn’t change with the winds of ego or the storms of pride.

When you find yourself caught in the shifting sands of manipulation, remember that true stability comes from standing on God’s unchanging word. For when we cease striving to build where the ground is unstable, we open ourselves to the firm foundation of divine wisdom and peace.

There was once a hunter who set a trap so cleverly hidden even the wisest of creatures would stumble into it. The bait was enticing, a glimmer of hope, a promise of resolution. But once the prey took the bait, the snare tightened and escape seemed impossible. Confronting a narcissist with the hope of fixing them or exposing their lies is like stepping into such a trap.

What seems like a path to healing, becomes a web of emotional and spiritual entanglement.

The more you focus on fixing their behavior or revealing their deception, the deeper you fall into the negativity they create.

The narcissist’s tactics gaslighting blame, shifting and emotional manipulation tighten the snare around you, consuming your peace and distorting your perception of reality. You may begin to question your worth, your discernment, and even your relationship with God.

This is the enemy’s goal: to keep you trapped, distracted, and spiritually depleted.

In the Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis writes that demons delight in keeping us focused on the faults of others, neglecting our own souls. By making us obsess over someone else’s lives or toxicity, they pull us away from God and truth. This obsession becomes a spiritual trap, where our hearts and minds are consumed by frustration, bitterness, or despair. The more we wrestle with the darkness, the more it envelops us.

2 Cor 2:11 Do not be ignorant of the devil‘s devices or design and we’re to be aware of Satan’s schemes so that we would not be outwitted by him.

The demonic trap here is subtle, it invites you to fight for justice, but in a way that drains your soul and undermines your faith. The battle you think you are waging for truth, becomes a battleground where your own peace and sanity are at risk. But God does not ask you to entangle yourself in this endless struggle, He offers a way out, a path of discernment and surrender by stepping away and giving the situation to Him you avoid the trap and preserve your soul.

When we resist the urge to fix what only God can heal, we step into the freedom that he alone can give. A gardener knows that some weeds are so deeply rooted that pulling them out by force will only damage the surrounding soil. Instead, he cuts off their access to light and water, and let Nature take its course. Dealing with a narcissist, God offers similar wisdom: sometimes the best approach is not confrontation, but withdrawal of the emotional resources that enable their behavior.

The biblical path calls us to break unhealthy bonds. Resist codependency, and entrust the situation to God‘s hands.

God does not call us to endlessly confront those who refuse to change. Instead, he invites us to guard our hearts and set boundaries that reflect our worth in his eyes.

Gal 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

The cycle of manipulation and distortion is a form of bondage.

By stepping back, you break free from this toxic yoke and reclaim the freedom Christ offers. Relying

on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done. This daily surrender is key. Instead of expending energy on fruitless confrontations, we surrender the narcissist to God‘s justice. His ways are higher and his timing perfect. Where our interventions fail, God‘s intervention prevails. He sees every manipulation, every distortion and every hurt. Trusting Him believing that he will handle the situation better than we ever could.

Breaking codependent patterns is not about giving up on love or compassion. It is about recognizing that true love respects boundaries and honors the image of God within you. When you resist the urge to fix someone who refuses responsibility, you honor both your dignity and God‘s sovereignty. This is not weakness, it is spiritual strength, and choosing God‘s path, you allow him to work behind the scenes in ways you cannot see. And as you step away from confrontation, you begin to walk toward a peace and freedom that only God’s wisdom can provide. A bird trapped in a snare struggles fiercely, exhausting itself in vain. But when it finally stops fighting and waits, the hand of the rescuer gently loosens the trap setting it free. In the same way, peace and freedom are often found, not through relentless struggle, but through the quiet strength of surrender and boundaries.

When you step away from the toxic cycle, you make space for God’s hand to release you from the emotional snares of the narcissist manipulation. God’s wisdom teaches us that true peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of clarity and boundaries.

Phil 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. This peace isn’t born of confrontation, but of trust, trust that God will guard your heart when you set healthy limits and refuse to be drawn into endless cycles of blame and distortion.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and faith. It means recognizing your worth in God’s eyes and protecting the spiritual gifts He has entrusted to you.

When you say no to toxic behavior, you say yes to God‘s peace. It is in this space of freedom that you can rebuild your spirit, regain your clarity and walk in the truth of who God created you to be.

A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship him, than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling darkness on the walls of his cell.

The narcissist attempts to distort your reality. Do not change the truth of who you are.

By stepping back, you refuse to let their darkness define you.

Reclaim the light of God‘s truth, where peace and freedom flourish.

This journey of setting boundaries and trusting God is not an easy one, but as you walk in it, you will find that the weight of guilt, confusion and frustration begin to lift and in that newfound freedom you discover a life no longer bound by their chaos, but anchored in God’s unshakable peace.

The journey of dealing with a narcissist is not an easy one. The traps of manipulation, the distortion of reality, and the endless cycle of confrontation can leave you exhausted and disheartened.

But God, in His wisdom offers you a better way. He invites you to step back, set boundaries and trust him to bring justice in His perfect timing. Remember that your worth is not determined by someone else’s behavior or twisted perceptions. Your identity is anchored and God’s truth.

Ps 62:6 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

When you set your boundaries and give the struggle to God, you are not giving up, you are standing firm on the unshakable foundation of His peace. As you walk forward, I encourage you to reflect on your relationships. Are you pouring energy into a cycle that God is asking you to step away from? Have you mistaken confrontation for healing when God is offering freedom through surrender. Choose God’s peace, over toxic chaos.